You made me cry and you don't even care
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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