I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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