I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
