Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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