Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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