I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
