I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
