I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
