Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
