What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
