half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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