I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Rumble strips road head = magical
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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