they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
