Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
