I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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