im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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