I hate all girls vehemently.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
