God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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