so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
