Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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