I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
