I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
