capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Pants are for mortals
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
