new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
