I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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