Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
