You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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