There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
