They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
