How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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