we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
