Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
