I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
