i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
