For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
