There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
