he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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