Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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