if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
