First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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