Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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