my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
