Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
