You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
