You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
