Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
