sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
