I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
