I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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