i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
